Ah! Sunflower
by William Blake
Ah! sunflower, weary of time,
Who countest the steps of the sun,
Seeking after that sweet golden clime
Where the traveller’s journey is done;
Where the youth pined away with desire,
And the pale virgin shrouded in snow,
Arise from their graves and aspire;
Where my sunflower wishes to go.
I have chosen this William Blake poem to introduce my reflections of our move to Europe. How I felt before, during, and now that we have arrived, is reflected somewhat in his words.
This past winter 2012, I was ‘weary of time’ and I was ‘seeking after’ some kind of ‘golden clime.’ I was beginning to feel, for the first time since dealing with my hip limitations, defeated and old. All of my efforts to get a job as an art teacher, to connect more with other D.C. poets and artists, to find that damn balance between teaching and art (this is, and has been, my albatross) all of this was wearing me down. I felt my age. I felt lost, bored, restless. I felt like Benjamin and I would never make our dreams come true of more creative-driven work and travel to Europe. I thought we’d only talk about it.
Working at Carlos Rosario both helped and hindered. I loved working with such beautiful people, truly lovely students, and having Spanish around me again was a lyrical gift. But even in this, I felt like I was turning myself inside out to create great lessons, to give whatever time and energy I could to help my students. Slowly again, I was feeling embittered by how poorly teachers are paid, how we are taken for granted, how we are blamed. Most of all, I was not attending to my albatross. The teacher was winning the battle, and the artist wanted out…all together.. out.
Meanwhile, during both the Fall and into the Winter, I did slowly make connections with Pyramid Atlantic Art Center and Gretchen, the Art Director. Pyramid had offered us two opportunities to gig over the summer at the center, and both of these were great! Then, for November, Gretchen offered us one of the best gigs we’ve ever had. We performed at the Book Arts Fair at Silver Spring’s Cultural Center. The space was beautiful, and being among international book and paper artists was truly an honor.
In December, creative writing and mixed media workshop ideas bubbled up, and I was able to format them and present to Gretchen. She called my ideas “tall glasses of water,” and I felt so flattered. I also felt like she was an absolutely refreshing person to meet. She took a day to workshop with me and get me reacquainted with paper making again. It felt so good to get my hands wet with pulp, and to chat with her throughout the process.
Just as I was waiting to see if my workshop would fill with enough students, and just as I was connecting with a colleague to write curricula for a kids’ summer art camp, Benjamin realized that SoundCloud was seriously considering hiring him. They conducted two Skype interviews with him, and then they asked him to fly to Berlin for a face to face. This was early February. At this point, we had to tell our families, and we were jumping out of our skin with nervousness and excitement.
Admittedly at first, I wasn’t sure what it all meant that I had finally begun to make some connections in D.C. with art, and now here was this opportunity to move to a continent I have dreamed of seeing since I was 12 years old, a continent with art and history and ancestral ties. Here was this chance to wake up the traveler in me, to resurrect a part of me that needed to move again.
Second, admittedly, I didn’t want to be one of “those women” who follows her man around and forgets to really look at her own career desires.
Thirdly, admittedly, I was afraid that given my mobility challenges, and my intense fear of flying/claustrophobia that I’d be too old for this big change, that it was too late for me.
When these thoughts entered my mind, however, I had to laugh at myself. It wasn’t like my “career” as an English teacher was all that gratifying. I mean in some ways, like I mentioned earlier, yes, but really I have been looking for a way out of the formal classroom for a long while. Tutoring might be ok here in Germany, but even when I think of this, I cringe a little. Teaching creative writing and art workshops? Yes, and I think I can do that here or even remotely. Balancing the needs of an entire group for little pay or teaching business English? No.No way.
Insecure excuses numbers 1 and 2 were out. I wasn’t following Benjamin and forgetting my career. Was I supporting him as he was making both of our travel dreams come true? Hell, yes! This was huge for him! To be scouted and chosen by a successful, international company is thrilling for him. I am extremely proud of him.
As far as my mobility is concerned…am I scared that the supposedly un-shoveled, icy Berlin sidewalks in winter are going to be scary to navigate with my crutch? Yes. But it’s spring, so I have now, summer, and fall to figure this out. If this gets the best of me, then I will have to address my fear of flying again, and maybe get on a plane to go somewhere warm. I’ll have to figure this out as I go as well. I did DO it, however. I got on that damn plane and made it here! I should be proud of myself for this. It was challenging during take off and turbulence is not my favorite thing, but movies and Xanax helped, and Benjamin was amazingly supportive. Having kittens on the seats in front of me was soothing too. I love those two Dutch women for letting me pet those kittens! Insecurity number 3 is still challenging, but I am trying, and this is all that matters. And I’m not too old.
While wrestling with all of these individual feelings, we also had the shared stress of dealing with all of our stuff. We had to deal with stuff in our DC apartment and small storage space. We had to sort through, and clear out, stuff in our storage space in North Carolina. We had to drive stuff from DC and NC to my parents’ place in Florida. We had to sell furniture, bikes, and the car. We made trips to Salvation Army, Cause for Paws, and the neighborhood Gaia boxes. We listed and sold stuff on Craigslist. We put up flyers in the building. Friends came and took stuff away. One sweet friend spent an entire day with us loading her pick-up full of our stuff and taking it to a recycle center, a dumpster,and a music store. We sent stuff in boxes via air and ship and truck, and holy, holy, holy, we are still not all together done with this part of the process.
We had to wait an extra week for our air box to arrive from D.C. It was held up because the German government needed more information about our living and working status. Because Benjamin’s last name is German, the government thought he was trying to evade some law, and they wanted to tax us on our stuff. Wow. FedEx also somehow labeled the boxes incorrectly. Finally the boxes went through customs, and arrived safe and sound. These boxes had practical stuff like clothes we needed, but they also had all the music we have ever recorded. Exhale, indeed.
I don’t think we would have been so nervous if we hadn’t had a bad experience with the USPS. The USPS “lost” or “mishandled” one of the boxes of books I tried to send to my parents. In that box was every hard copy publication I have ever published in, two copies (still in sealed plastic) of On the Road, and most heartbreakingly, every signed copy of my friend David’s poetry. I don’t have much to write about this as I’ve already gotten angry, cursed the USPS, kicked myself for not sending “smarter,” and cried not knowing how to ask my friend for more copies, or how to find the energy to contact the literary magazines to see about back issues.
I took this USPS thing personally. I have always loved the USPS. I still Romanticize letter writing. I have sent post cards that I have personally collaged to friends and family. I have never called the USPS “snail mail.” Too much respect. I loved my local offices…in DC where Joe the postal worker played R&B nice and loud and called me ‘hon.’ And in North Carolina where the man in the walrus mustache always asked, ” What else now?” It felt like this, “Post Office, are you really dumping me? After all these years in our relationship? Post Office, really? How could you break my heart like this?” So you see, now I just don’t have the mental space for many more words on this. Break ups are awful.
The remainder of our stuff is on a ship making its way here. It should be here in 3-5 weeks. Our kitchen, musical instruments, art supplies and projects, and all the rest of our clothes are in those boxes. Should. Arrive. Safely. Exhale.
And I suppose that brings us to actually being here. For this I have created other posts, so I will close full circle with the poem. I have ‘arisen.’ I am ‘aspiring.’ And I ‘go.’